ginopao

The past is the past…..and no matter how much we worry and concern ourselves with what has already taken place there is basically very little we can do to change it. We can make amends, apologies and seek atonement for our acts but memories are like etched in stone. The future stands before us like a blank sheet of paper, yet to feel one drop of ink. What are we left with? The given moment, where everything is centered and all our hopes and dreams exist. So few of us focus on the so-called "now"….most of the time we are engulfed with our mistakes from the past and overwhelmed by what awaits us in the coming days. It doesn’t have to be that way. The power for us is in the present…that is where we can truly make a difference in our lives.

The link between the past and the future is the present. The present affects both, because the present becomes the past, and the present also sets the tone for the future. Each day truly is a new day…if you faltered yesterday, you can start anew today. Your dreams are not over, just merely delayed.

So embrace every f*ckin moment!!!

I always have a vision of what I am working towards. I think about it before I go out. I have an idea of all non-verbal communication that I want to bring to the table. I don’t just think about it or analyze it. I AM IT. I don’t think about it analytically that much at first. I feel it emotionally. I think with my emotions. I THINK WITH MY EMOTIONS, NOT MY ANALYTICAL MIND. I feel what it would feel like in my body - to be smooth, to be cool,  to be carefree and party like i’ve never  before. And through repetition I come to a point where that vision becomes fulfilled. Because I understand the emotions. The emotions becomse familiar. They become engrained and unmovable. They project outwardly.

If I allow emotions to guide me, my reality is unshakable because emotions are the manifestation of my logical thought having come to firm conclusions. Our logical thought guides us in times of uncertainty. And as experience builds strong frames of reference, our emotions take over the job of thinking for us. Because there is no noise in my mind, I just react and enjoy the moment without much concern. And it is obvious. My reality is firm. Peoplr being the social creatures they are, they are sucked in.

I feel more connected than ever before.

Last week has been pretty much but all stress. The only  nice thing about it is work has nothing to do with it. It’s all been just some personal stuff i’ve been trying to escape from. But no matter how hard I try, something will pop out from nowhere and hold me back. But now everything’s clear…well not 100% but at least some light has been shed.

yada yada

I really hate it when the idiot gear in me kicks in. You know that thing when you really need to let something out inside you. You just need to ask. It’s not like you have any other choice coz if you didnt ask, you won’t get any answers obviously. And at the end of the day, the most important thing is you get something out of it.

yada yada

I am really capable of doing something really stupid and later on will turn into regret. Especially when under the influence of alcohol. I know that we all should not "drink & talk." It’s a big "NO NO" and should be considered a mortal sin. I always tell that to my friends. But the thing is we can’t really help it sometimes. And what sucks about the whole "drink & talk" thing is we can really be so selfish. Selfish in a way that if we didnt get the answers that we’re looking for, we can really be persistent without thinking of the consequences.  That’s where our asshole side kicks in. And little did we know, we’ve done enough damage already to ourselves. But at least we’re able to get the message across. And if we’re lucky enough, we could get the answers that we’re looking for. But based on my experiences, the odds were not that friendly.

The good thing about the whole "drink and talk" thing is we can borrow enough courage (from alcohol’s demons, mwahaha) so that we ask direct questions (that we can’t really ask when we are normal) without any hesitations.

But still, it’s a stupid move.

Ayun!

blah blah

=p

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so defenseless. It opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses. So that nothing can hurt you. And then one person. Comes into your life. And you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They just do something one day. Like kiss you or hug you. Or smile at you. And your life isn’t your own anymore. Love gets inside you. It really hurts. And a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" is like a glass splinter in your heart.

It rips you apart.

It’s real.

And I hate love.

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers….. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life….. But why would I want to do a thing like that?"

- Trainspotting

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the government."

Like what I’ve said to my friends before, I thrive on activity…that’s especially true when there’s something that needs resolving. If something’s wrong, I need to be able to do something about it or at least talk about it. I’m also someone that doesn’t like to waste words. If what I say is supposed to have meaning, i’m going to say it as well as I can.

But right now I find myself in a position where I can do neither. It’s such a frustrating thing, because the best thing for me to do in this situation is to talk to the person involved, so by saying eloquently what it is I have to say, I would be doing the perfect thing to resolve it, but of all things… I can’t find the words. I absolutely hate not knowing what to say, but whenever it comes right down to it, nothing comes. Sometimes I do better when i write, which wouldn’t be bad because I’m trying to say these things to someone in another state, so it wouldn’t be all that odd to send them a letter, but when I start thinking with my pen, all that happens is I find myself scribbling circles or doodling on the first line.

What makes it worse is trying to say something important, but not having the words, so what does come out seems almost insignificant. When you try to explain something, but the other person just doesn’t quite catch on, and you know it’s because you just didn’t say it right, so the conversation shifts to lighter things, and is all too soon over, and you may be so upset that what you tried to said was looked over, and the other person doesn’t even realize that you were getting at something important. You don’t want to say goodbye and end it, all you want is to say, "no! wait, you didn’t get it, I didn’t say it right. This is something you need to get," but you can’t even say that, because all that would come after that is silence. You don’t know what words to say. Is it that you don’t have the words organized, or maybe is it that what it is you have to say is so… powerful that it wouldn’t matter if you’re the most fluent orator, words simply wouldn’t be able to express it. Words couldn’t do it justice. But how else? Something you can do? Show? No, there’s so much distance between, and there’s so many barriers. Anything grand enough to come close to expressing what you want to say would literally be impossible to…

Bang!

The idea of being an adult scares me. While I was growing up I always thought that to live your life to the fullest, you just have to play with it. That was the case back then, but now is totally different. It feels like life is playing back at me. I wish that I can just become an adult in an instant. I want to believe that there is that one “magical” day when all of a sudden I’m already an adult. When I will feel responsible and all grownup. When I was in high school I looked up to a lot of older people. Like my friend’s hippie uncle, my older sister, my dad, my uncle, my lolo and some more. I just thought that they knew everything and I couldn’t wait to grow up cause then I would know everything they knew. It’s strange…those little games we play in our head. I know there are peeps looking up to me. I just wonder what they think my life is like.

Just like everyone else, I wish I could go back in time when I was just a little kid. Life was so much easier back then. People took care of you, people thought you were cute no matter how fat you are and no matter how naughty you are, you were already entertained even by just being outside, and sleeping is a must in your daily schedule. I remember playing G.I.JOEs all day and I would hate anyone who will disturb me while my cobra troops are marching towards castle Grey Skull. It was so much fun then…really fun.

I miss the innocence of those days. When “why” was a question you could ask over and over again and never be satisfied. When you’re accepted by everyone without being judged. Kids love without questioning, they don’t judge, they don’t need fancy things to be happy (watch a kid play with a box), and they are just full of joy.

I wonder when I lost my innocence. What caused that to happen. What caused me to doubt so many things. I wonder when I began to question if people loved me or appreciate me. I wonder when I began to question myself. I wonder when it started to feel “stupid” to play with a big box.

We all know that being an adult is a kickass difficult job. With all the heartaches, works, stress, ambitions and even facing those people who will do anything to make us look miserable is not an easy burden that we always encounter. Of course they are there to challenge us, to help us to grow (blech!). But we should not forget that we need to listen to the child we once were. The child that understand magic moments.

to quote Coehlo…

“We have to pay attention to what the child in our heart tells us. We should not be embarrassed by this child. We must not allow this child to be scared. We must allow the child to take the reins of our lives. The child knows that each day is different from any other day. We have to allow it to feel loved again. We must please this child even if this means that we act in ways we are not used to, in ways that may seem foolish to others.”

I hope its not yet too late for me to do something about myself. I don’t want that day to come when every life’s magic moments have already passed me by. We should not lose contact with that child, cause if we do, we will lose contact with life.

I know that a lot of us will agree that life is truly mysterious. We never ran out of questions on where our life is leading us. We question the law, how life is so unfair, we question our faith, our relationships with others etc…and before we realized the right answers…it’s already too late.

One never knows what can happen on any givein day. Perhaps a positive way to view the situation is to see Life as a form if a mystery novel, where the writer leaves clues to solve the puzzles alpng the way. Discovering each clue of the mystery gives us a greater understanding and control over our lives.

All around us are the clues….the trick is to allow yourself to see them. Observe how a plant grows. The seed must be planted in rich soil, cultivated with water, and drenched in sunlight. The supply of these ingredients have to be added frequently. If not, the plant suffers. Are we plants? No. But there is a significance to the working mechanism of a plant and how it shows us one of the clues of Life. We too need nurturing to grow, or we suffer.

It’s kind of baffling, this Game of Life. Constantly you are told how to think, how to feel, how to act, and how to live. What works for one person may not necessarily be right for someone else. Some parents would love their child to become a doctor or a lawyer, but not everyone is meant to be. How many of us torture ourselves into trying to become something we are not? The clue here is, what does your heart tell you to be? I don’t believe we are here to lead miserable lives, but it’s amazing that many of us end up doing just that. There are answers, solutions, and clues to solve our problems, but it’s up to us to find them.

All around us is air….we can’t see it, but we can feel it and breathe it. Air provides wind for energy, and can deliver one of the most destructive powers on this planet. Not bad for something we can’t truly see, but we know it’s there. Without air we die. Can the same be said for Hope, Love, and Compassion? There must be a reason why we have been given senses to take in information. Maybe to help us find the clues?

We may never totally solve this mystery called Life, while we are here. But each piece of the puzzle that we find strengthens us and empowers us to go forward. What I’m trying to say here is we should be a good detective in life. We should be aware of the clues that every moment is showing us. If we are not alert, we might be missing some of the most crucial pieces that can give us a better understanding on ourselves.